i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
