Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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