If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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