if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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