woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
