i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
