watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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