I feel like I'm in dance class right now
but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
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