We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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