I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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