I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
