I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
