i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
