my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
