I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
BRING THE BAGELS
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
