You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
