Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
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