i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
