remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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