I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
