is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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