I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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