i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I touched a dick in church today
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
