i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Randomize
