Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
