i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
