if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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