My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
