Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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