This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Randomize
