My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
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