I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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