On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
