i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
