I think i sorta joined a cult last night
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
