I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Randomize
