Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
