It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
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