I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
