Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
