I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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