I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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