I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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