I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
