Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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