He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
