On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
