So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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