we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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