i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Randomize
