Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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