Whatcha textin bout Willis?
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
