I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
