Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
