someone threw a dead crab at me
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
You can't just leave with hair like that
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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