I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
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