I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
