dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
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