He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
